I have a problem with boats. They create an unsettled reaction within me, especially in big swell.
I look at the history of my life to understand my reaction. When I was 8 years old my family left England, on a large boat, the ‘Achille Lauro,’ bound for Australia. This was a huge change in my life. I remember ports we stopped at, flying fish on the prow, Italian staff serving dinner, crossing the equator on a sunny day, seeing nothing in any direction but water and lots of revolting, pink sea sickness medicine. The change to my life, leaving a large extended family, was the greatest pain. One I can still feel today. Disconnection with known and understood support and love.
My father was in love with the sea. He loved sailing and on arrival in Hobart eagerly bought a 30 foot sailing boat, ‘Tula.’ I have a lot of childhood memories of sailing. I used to get frightened when the boat keeled over. My Dad thought this was quite hilarious and would make the boat lean even further to prove to me that the boat wouldn’t sink and I wouldn’t drown. It had the opposite effect and I learnt a deep-seated fear of boats.
When I was in my 30’s, my former husband bought a boat and talked me into taking up sailing. That was around the same time that a new ferry got caught on Black Jack Rocks just near Wedge Beach. I was fine when we left Cremorne, but once we got into the swell my tummy started rolling. It was suggested that I take the tiller and keep my eyes on the horizon, but sadly, I was already too far gone and I fed the fish my lunch.
I have choices in my life around boats. I can choose to never go on boats again. I can fly over water, or swim, I’m actually not a bad swimmer. But, the harder choice is to look at my past and see the triggers that have caused my reactions and maybe look at creating new positive memories around boats. This is what I’ve been attempting to do.
Two years ago, I was invited to go on a large motor boat for the Australia Day long weekend. I was nervous. I slept on the boat successfully for two nights. I shared with a friend that I was fearful when we headed offshore and even had a little cry on her shoulder before we went. A trouble shared is always helpful. It was a little rough and my tummy gurgled, but over all I had a wonderful weekend with friends. Over the summer, I went to Maria Island on the ferry. I was, without doubt, nervous. I told my friend I was and then was filled with amazement at the beauty of the sun on the water, 3 dolphins who made the journey alongside and, when we arrived, the beauty of Maria itself. I will never be a completely comfortable sailor, but I’m working on it and rewiring my brain.
These last few weeks at school have felt like an uncomfortable sea journey. The waves are big, I can feel all at sea and my past history of change can cause me to want to not embark on the future. What can I do? Recognise that my immediate reaction may be one of fear and doubt. I can look at history and see that God has this school in His hands and He has plans for its future, bigger than mine or anyone else’s. I am totally allowed to grieve and cry on shoulders if I need to. I need to recognise that there are many passengers on this ship with me and we can all help each other with the next stage of our journey. I will endeavour to keep learning and challenging my brain as I learn new and better ways to teach and lead.
I would like to leave you with a story wiser than anything I can write from Mark 4.
That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”
Annie Joy - Primary Co-ordinator